


waiting for love

by zanykingmentality



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Character Study, Crushes, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Peter Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 16:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15844773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanykingmentality/pseuds/zanykingmentality
Summary: "You gonna break my heart, Covey?"Peter waits and dreams of the day he can love and be loved.





	waiting for love

**Author's Note:**

> based on the song "waiting for love" by avicii. 
> 
> tell me to stop writing for this movie. i dare you.

**i.** _monday left me broken_

 

Genevieve taunts Peter with her _body._

 

She gets close and so, so immeasurably far all at once. It’s like her body is there, but she’s delved into the pits of her mind. Like she’s going through the motions of being with Peter long after there’s nothing left worth salvaging of their relationship. So they hang off each other in the hallways and look as much a couple as any high schooler would expect, and they don’t talk about it.

 

It’s not really a surprise when Gen dumps him. He might not have been in love with her for a long time. It’s been a couple years, after all, and feelings are rarely ever eternal.

 

What _is_ a surprise is how he starts noticing Lara Jean around ― by the bleachers, in the hallway, in the library. Lara Jean, whose lips he’s touched once, by a fluke. It’s funny how things like that work. Part of him knows that she will never, ever be his. That she’s infinitely too good for him. When he sees Gen in the hallway all he can think about is how he used to touch her, and how hard it would be to touch her again. How he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to do it.

 

How he’s scared of letting someone else leave him the way she has.

 

.

 **ii.** _tuesday i was through with hoping_

 

“I don’t like you, Peter Kavinsky.”

 

Disappointment is too strong a word for this. Five love letters, five recipients. He just happened to be one of those. The feeling is something like nostalgia; something like a wish for a past that could’ve been. Peter looks at Lara Jean’s expression and his insides melt at how absolutely freaked out she is, how he knows she would rather be having any other conversation with any other person.

 

Five words in one of five letters. _I like you, Peter Kavinsky._ Words he’ll never hear spoken in her voice. That’s okay, though. He’s resigning himself to the fact that very few things in his life have ever gone his way. Genevieve and lacrosse team included. Maybe they’ve always gone the way he _wanted,_ but never the way he needed.

 

At least he still knows himself.

 

So he drives Lara Jean home, because he can tell she still doesn’t.

 

.

 

 **iii.** _wednesday my empty arms were open_

 

Lara Jean’s surprisingly good at the whole _faking it_ thing. Everyone buys into their lie, even if to Peter it feels less like a lie and more like wishful thinking, like a sneak peek of something he could’ve had if he was better to himself. It’s not something he’ll ever let himself admit out loud, though.

 

Because if he’s being completely honest, he knows why things have never worked with Gen. He knows they’re better off apart, and it’s not even _really_ about making her jealous. Maybe some small part of him hoped that fake dating would lead to real dating, and real feelings. Even if that kind of shit only happens in movies and the books Lara Jean likes.

 

He writes her two notes a week. He might’ve done it for Gen, if he hadn’t been so scared of her twisting the pages of whatever words he wrote her into something he never meant. Lara Jean just accepts them. Peter doubts she ever reads them, but it feels good anyway. He likes the idea that maybe he can write how he feels to her instead of ever explicitly stating it.

 

Lara Jean might never get the hint, though. He’s not sure if that’s a comforting thought or a scary one.

 

When his hand is in her back pocket, when he presses a note into her palm, when he spins her around and holds her arms to keep her close to him. When he falls so hard he hardly even remembers why they’re doing this in the first place.

 

And if Peter Kavinsky can lie to the whole school, maybe he can lie to himself a little bit, too.

 

.

 

 **iv.** _thursday waiting for love_

 

He can’t lie anymore.

 

There are snacks in his bag. Tiny bottles of Korean yogurt. The Korean store had smelled like spices, like a more authentic version of that Korean restaurant his mom likes. He can’t force Lara Jean to sit next to him. Hell, he can’t force her to want him. Maybe he thought that, after growing so close, that they could _have_ something. That fake could bleed into real, and maybe she wouldn’t be scared of being with him.

 

But he looks back and sees Christine leaning on her shoulder, feels Gen breathing down his neck, and he shivers.

 

The hot tub makes him shiver, too. He dunks his head in, but it’s too hot, and his face feels raw after that. The cold air outside makes him shiver, so he just stays warm in the water. Lara Jean hasn’t come looking for him yet. Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe it’s better if he lies to himself until the lies become truth, and Lara Jean is far away. Maybe Josh Sanderson was a better fit for her, after all, even if she protests it with every fiber of her being. He sees how they look at each other. Peter’s not oblivious.

 

“All by yourself out here?” God, it’s _her._ How difficult it’s been not to whirl her around every time they hold hands, press his palms to her cheeks and _kiss_ her. Peter can’t respond. It’s like the wind’s been knocked out of his lungs, like the steam coming from the rippling water is suffocating him. He’s angry, and hurt, and _so, so_ in love, like a snake that slithers around his chest and _squeezes._

 

But eventually she gets in and stops in front of him. He can’t stay mad at her, not her and her long, long eyelashes that are practically brushing against his cheeks. “There’s no one like you, Covey,” Peter breathes. Lara Jean looks at him, and he comes undone.

 

“Good night, Lara Jean,” he says. It’s agonizing to hold back, but he’ll do all this and more for her.

 

.

 

 **v.** _thank the stars it’s friday_

 

The bus ride home is nowhere near long enough. Peter rests his head on Lara Jean’s shoulder. Sometimes he cranes his neck to press a kiss into the hollow of her throat, and she shivers against him. Maybe it’s a bit much, but he’s not afraid of affection. Gen glares daggers at them, but Peter ignores her. No more Gen. No more lying.

 

No more hiding.

 

“Peter,” Lara Jean murmurs.

 

“Covey,” he says back. Her voice is so undeniably affectionate that he wonders how he ever missed it before, or if she was just hiding it.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says. Her fingers thread through his, gripping his hand like a lifeline.

 

“Stop apologizing,” he says softly. So she stops talking.

 

“Do you like music, Peter?” she asks, finally.

 

“Yeah.” Peter hums noncommittally. Lara Jean’s lips quirk up into a half-smile; it’s something Peter wants to kiss until her lipstick smears on his face, and everyone knows they’re _together._ The thought almost makes him giddy.

 

Lara Jean pulls out her phone, earbuds plugged in, and presses one into Peter’s hand. He can only smile as they listen to love songs that Lara Jean’s put on shuffle. She has an entire playlist, and Peter can only hope one day she might name it after him.

 

For now, they are perfect.

 

.

 

 **vi.** _i’m burning like a fire gone wild on saturday_

 

Seeing Josh next to Lara Jean Song-Covey hurts a lot more than it should, Peter realizes.

 

It’s almost cruel, really. A taste of what he’s been yearning for, _gone_ in the blink of an eye and a few harsh words. All he can think is how much he needs to explain, how he needs Lara Jean to _trust_ him, how he doesn’t want her to be hurt on his account. How he needs to make everything right so she doesn’t look at him with that terrified expression.

 

But when Josh shows up, something in him just _snaps._

 

“This isn’t about me and Gen at all. This is about you and Josh!” Peter’s throat constricts; he wants to cry, but Peter Kavinsky doesn’t cry. He didn’t cry when his dad walked out, he didn’t cry when Gen dumped him for a college guy who was hotter and probably better to her, and he most certainly did _not_ cry when Lara Jean ended their brief _real_ relationship earlier today, when the sun was still in the sky. It sank soon afterwards.

 

And all hell breaks loose.

 

When Peter gets home, he cries until he can’t breathe. Owen is fast asleep, and his mom pretends she can’t hear him. He’s a little grateful for all that.

 

Peter Kavinsky cries now.

 

.

 

 **vii.** _guess i won’t be coming to church on sunday_

 

“I like you, Peter Kavinsky, in the most real way. And… I guess that’s all I came here to say.”

 

The hole in Peter’s heart is just small enough to perfectly fit Lara Jean. And maybe now hers can fit him. She starts walking away, but Peter grabs her wrist.

 

“Wait, don’t I get to respond to that?” The sun’s shining in his eyes, and he feels like a complete dork squinting against it to see her. “The reason I went to Gen’s room that night was to tell her that it’s _over._ Because… I’m in love with you, Lara Jean.” He takes a deep breath in. “You, and only you.”

 

“I…” She swallows thickly. Peter takes her hand.

 

“You gonna break my heart, Covey?” He can feel her breath against his lips ― beautiful, _intoxicating._ Like he could survive on just this memory for years.

 

In response, she presses her lips to his.

 

.

 

 **viii.** _i’ll be waiting for love_

 

He kisses her more times than he cares to count in the next week. Every time, Lara Jean kisses him right back.

**Author's Note:**

> yes peter, lara jean and all the fans love you too


End file.
